What’s more important: electricity or the internet?

Every time when my hunger strikes, I walk down to the kitchen ‘gangsta-ly’ with my right leg dragging my other leg to the ground as if there’s tiny gravels in my left shoe, but actually I’m on my bare feet. At house, I am able to walk my way through the hallway, around the spiral staircase, passing the dimly lit dining room and finally reaching the kitchen, carrying my hungry stomach, led by all sorts of different lighting appliances such as the ceiling light, the dining lamps, the crystal pendant light and finally the kitchen ceiling light.


I cannot find my way to the fictionally puzzle route from my room to the kitchen without any lights around. So practically I need electricity in guiding me around my own house.


Alternatively, picture this. You’re wandering around the Mall alone just to relieve that stress clouding your day after a huge fight with your father on ‘relationship issues’ when suddenly an untimely blackout occurs. And you are standing alone in this dark alley where all the blocks are not rented yet. The frightful screams of young shop girls assistant is heard from few blocks away, like 100 meters away from where you are currently standing.


Now, can you walk your way to the group of other Mall strollers?


Of course you can. You can just grab your iphone or ipod or any cellphones from one of your pocket to light your way to the next block.


The point is this. Do you need internet at this time? Would you GOOGLE your way to an enthusiastic army of shoppers who marches their bulky plastic bags of home necessities or irrelevant goodies like hair sprays or DVDs? Would you watch YouTube to find whether Shane Dawson has given any advice to deal with this unimaginative situation?


Now picture yourself sitting on the toilet at the Mall after having Sushi party with your friends when an abrupt failure of electricity shocks your heart. Again, you wouldn’t go for your iphone for Google, would you? Or “FACEBOOK-ing” your friends asking for ‘HELP’? Or what if you left your iphone on the restaurant table, protected by your trusty friends? Or what if your friends left you alone in the dark in the toilet? Or what if the hose water only functions by the current of electricity or what if there’s no tissue left? You wouldn’t…………………………..OK, I think I need to stop asking myself and you another stupid questions.


Initially, you can live without the internet in any real-life situation. But you can’t barely walk around your own house or at the Mall without any electricity.


But actually, life without the internet is rather tedious. In this modern, cyber life society, modern children have practiced how to utilize the internet friendly and effectively. For instance, my 10 year old cousin has already got his own Facebook and my 12 year old brother knows how to download PC games via the internet. Increasingly, Internet is user-friendly and a very simplistic politician which invariably voted in favour by all people around the world.


In terms of socializing, I normally use my MSN, Facebook, or even Twitter to get in touch with my real High school friends as well as my unreal friends that I found on the internet. During my time at the University, I normally e-mailed my lecturers and tutors to make an appointment before I could meet them. I don’t usually kick their doors open and demand them to explain complicated law issues to me. I need to follow the University moral ethics and codes which unsurprisingly favors the use of internet, to enable the undergraduates to communicate with their tutors or lecturers. Also, whenever there’s social gathering being held, there are always manipulative e-mails asking first year undergraduates to dissipate their college money on 1 pound vodka. Also, how about paying University fees? Do you use cash or do you need to apply for billing online payment?


Regarding my financial and economical health status, I would rather download free songs on the internet, normally by converting YouTube videos into mp3 songs, rather than by the expensive traditional methods of physically driving to CD shops and purchase CD songs. Financially wise, I would rather watch free movies on the internet than constantly burning my money to cinema theatres or on 60 dollars original blue-rays . (Although I still practice the old fashion way of watching new movies at the cinema most of the time.hehe)


To shorten this argument, internet is like that creamy, costly thick chocolate cake at a 5 star restaurant that you have an option as a side order after having a big plate of chilly Thai fried noodles. You come to the restaurant to fill your stomach but not normally spend on expensive desserts which you can normally buy at the supermarket near you at a very cheaper price! Much cheaper! (Well, if you’re on a date, you might!)


What is freedom?

Freedom is inherently something that when you do, you don’t straight away feel embarrassed or humiliated after you’ve done it. Freedom is a word where happiness and joyous intuitions collided and gave birth to a family of ultimate giggling high school girls. Freedom is somewhat the cousins of hatred and envy, but they do not go well with each other. They genuinely would love to have this imagination playing in their competitive minds whereby they killed, dismembered and tortured their relatives. Freedom co-exists with the flowing river of free speech, connecting with the wide sea of non-restriction. Freedom is ultimately a great acoustic guitar played by a professional guitarist in which every stroke of the strings creates this wonderful melody that soothes everyone’s ears. Freedom is really a gigantic heaven, floating in the sky but we cannot really reach it since we are not designed to fly. (burung baru tah)

I wish I can live in a world where there’s no prohibition. I’m not implying the notion of breaking the laws or judicial system. My definition of requesting freedom is rather benign since I’m not the type of person who favours violent and worthless vengeance. I’m a normal abiding citizen in Brunei, sitting my ass on a fairly, soft armed-chair at 3 in the afternoon, staring at the screen and letting my fingers befriending my mind to let go of the day’s stress by writing. I love to write since it builds my English vocabulary and develops my understanding of creating well-structured grammatical error free sentences. I believe that the more I write something which is entirely irrelevant to someone’s life, the more I get to improve myself. By that, enhancing my communication with my inner self since I realize that through writing, I can indicate my weaknesses that lie within the very dark empty soul in my lonely heart.

However, as long winded as it may sound, I am not ultimately free to write anything that emerges in my mind. Mostly those words that I wrote down half an hour ago, would be long gone in the inter-web desert due to delete buttons that I constantly pushed. Why do I feel that I constantly being guarded behind my back? Why do I have this feeling that someone brushes my shoulder every time I want to write blogs or videos on YouTube? Why does my close friend always have this embarrassing intuition towards me whenever I attempted to edit wacky, jokingly buffoon videos on YouTube? I have this message from one of my friend, saying that my accent hurts her ears whenever I speak English? What the hell? I have been talking to many English, native speakers and they can actually and clearly understand what the hell I’m trying to express most of the time!

So in another word, although I have this freedom in writing my own blogs or filming my own videos, the sear pressure from unreliable friends, the demoralizing feedback spoken through their nasty mouth, the negative comments on my works, and the silent, long-awaited remarks but discouraging criticisms, have never failed to break my spirits on doing what I love. Often I just tripped on my marble dusty floors in my room, slipped and hit my face against the sink in my toilet and fell consciously on my hard bed which I should have complained to my parents long time ago as I usually suffered back pain every time I wake up  in the morning.

The point being, there’s always someone out there, regardless that person is closer to you or loves you so dearly, who always have this giant nerve, trying to break your spirit in doing what you love. But nothing in life worth having comes easy. You need to challenge yourself in the ultimate quest of endless backstabbing, grudging and envious society we live in.

Do you agree with the death penalty?

Death penalty; the nick name of capital punishment has been condemned by many for its cruelty in taking human being’s life; be it innocent or sadistic cruel criminals. The latter may be ‘the most wanted man on earth for his or her cruel acts in killing the former’, but you will never know whether he or she is truly guilty. He or she may be the victim of false accusation by people who had a grudge on them.

Death penalty has been around the world for centuries. There are a lot of methods to perform this death penalty unto others who have committed wrongdoings like murder, rape, theft, or it may go as far as treason. Just for a short history, personally, the most disgusting types of death penalty ever undertaken in the course history of execution and torture are impalement. Just so you know, it is an act of protruding or forcing a sharp or blunt pole up the accused person’s anal or if it were women, the pole would penetrate through her vagina, making its way up through intestines, stomachs, lungs, and finally out the mouth. How painful is that! You tell me! It is the most disgusting, sexually disturbed punishment I have ever known! Seriously, who in the world created this cruel punishment? Is it God? I don’t think so.

There are other disturbing types of capital punishment like crucifixion (most notably Jesus death from the perspective of Christianity), crushing by elephant ( YES! Elephants were trained in some Asia to crush the accused to death), flaying, dismemberment, sawing, and many disgusting shitty vivid cruel methods more. I have read some of these death penalties on the internet and every time I read the definition elaborated by those writers on Wikipedia, my eyes twitched and my mouth gagged with disgust. Let’s read out what I really think about these notorious, inhumane death penalties below, shall we?


In this modern era, we are all aware on how the death of Jesus came about. He was ‘nicely tied’ by on that pole wood cross, on top or in front of any Churches. He was said to receive all the sins committed by his ‘sons’. OK. That’s from the view point of the Christianity. But many never got this crucial information whereby Jesus was actually nailed through the pole on both of his palms and the side of his feet. Some Historians claimed that the nails were driven right into the wrists between the two little bones. To relieve the pain being stressed and concentrated on these palms or hands, the feet had to be nailed down too.

Do you know how much painful pressure was pressed against these organs? The weight of the body would put painful pressure on the palms, thus making the person to have difficulty in breathing since his chest was all stretched out. Due to hydration and loss of blood, the persons would be left dead in the eyes of a public display.

I wonder what would happen if this is being performed in this modern era? Picture this. You were walking in the street, shopping with your mom and suddenly someone whose hands and feet were nailed to a wooden plank cross. Wouldn’t you scream for your life?


Flaying. Look at this word. It sounds innocent and it has the same feature of the word ‘flying’. But there’s nothing flying about it if I tell you that flaying refers to an act of cutting or slicing the flesh of the body; alive! Damn son! That’s crazy! Now you tell me that’s not disgusting. I can’t even stand the look of my maid skinning dead chickens at the back of our house. But to think that a living person is being skinned alive is just a nightmare that I do not want to have again. Is this a beautiful sight to see? Shit no.


Have you ever watched the movie THE SAW? If you haven’t, you have no slight idea what kind of gruesome thing that I’m about to tell you. Turn off your music right now and imagine this.

A man was hanged upside down, naked. He was in a public display on a ground level. Both of his feet was stretched and spread out, revealing his anal and genitals. Those feet were tied to these two poles that stretched these legs. His hands were similarly tied up on those poles. Then two other muscled, masked men were standing in front and behind him. They both were holding a long, giant sized saw and it was on top of the accused anus. Then like sawing a tree, those two executioners started sawing down the accused man down from his genitals to his face, splitting him into two! HOLY SHIT!

Now tell me if that is not gruesome!

What really amazed me was the fact that, there was this one King in the Roman Empire where he was actually enjoying the sight of this freak show while having his lunch. The freaky King considered the horrifying execution as an appetizer. Damn! Baru ya!

I am not going to dwell into such a mess, grotesque death penalties which were practiced by the ancient laws any more. You can read it by yourself! It is rather immorally unhealthy for me to talk about it some more in this blog. And again, these punishments were abolished 300 years ago. 300 years ago were not far out!

When compared the above death penalties to our current capital punishments like death by lethal injection, gunshot to the head, chair electrocution and etc, it were not that grotesque and performed in a slow, suffering agonizing death. It was quick and simple.

But society all across the world condemns capital punishment because of the Human Rights Act and the idea that some of those criminals were innocent and not guilty. We have no other choices but to carry on something that the masses feel right.

When I was young, I had this idea that rapist should be put in the death raw. They should be killed, vanished and be gone from the surface of this earth. I disliked them because their cruel acts of abusing little girls, robbing their virginity, traumatizing them to a point that even psychiatrists could not heal their young minds, and their immoral acts of selfish pleasure, should not be again allowed to roam in this world. I often heard a story in a small village in Malaysia where there was these group of young daughters were raped one by one in their small farming hut, owned by their father. The father almost wanted to commit suicide as 4 of his daughters were raped by those rapists who until now, have never been traced and caught. To me, these rapists should be hanged, stone to death, tortured and executed in front of the public. Heck, there should be an army of angry mod, related to those deceased daughters, bludgeoning those rapists to death. That’s a fair justice, wouldn’t you agree?

But as I grew older, my friend once told me that if the government were to authorize the mass killing of these so called “rapists”, innocent life could be killed too. There was always a case where immoral school children in the city who have rich parents, like to hang out in their early years. They would have boyfriends and may also conducted sexual acts. When they reached the age of 17, they would dare to open a false claim, accusing their 25 year old boyfriend raping them, but the truth was, they were the one who consented to sex in the first place.

In the end, law makers are constantly in the state of endless battles whether to ruthlessly design laws which inevitably provide criminal free society but have the effect of killing mostly innocent people, or laws which have proper balance in our world of limitless ineffective justice system.

Personally, I would choose death penalty. Regardless the man may be innocent and have caught a lot of public interest. However, if there are sufficient evidences brought forward like the accused were caught in the act of criminal conduct by the help of CCTV or relying on reliable resources, why don’t just the justice system distinguish them and throw them in the fire of fair judicial manner. After all, why were the accused persons were arrested in the first place? If he stayed at home and was not running about at dangerous places, he shouldn’t be caught.

Should everything be done in moderation?

They say time is gold. Time wasted on something irrelevant makes one to hardly accomplish something worthwhile. In turn, this negates one’s opportunity to really strive for that hidden goals which is not surprisingly, are available for every one who either has rich or poor soul in them. The mere fact that many fail to realize it’s existence brings forward idle and dull perception on life to these low life souls and just regard everything as something which is not worthy to fight for.

If one has a definite goal set personally in the nectar of beautiful flowers of missions and objectives, this brings one to believe that time is actually being proportioned equally to everyone in this world. The only different that differentiate him and you is what and how one acts and spend their time. Successful people has different habits in their life when compared to those who fail. They often envisage that they’re going to die poor if they don’t do something about themselves.

Let’s take two scenarios which I have undertaken today; reading and exercising. I read just for the idea that I want to improve my way of thinking and really develop my sense of knowledge on how general occurrence around the world comes about by reading  those boring materials posted in different news media via the internet. I also adopted the habit of reading Brunei Wawasan 2035 or any books that related to it like Oxford Business Group. It is rather tedious in the eyes for uninterested lay persons but it does open the minds for those who have great appreciation towards the country they are living. I am not however going to dwell my textbooks knowledge in this blog because by doing such a thing would definitely be a waste of time. In fact, I just want to pinpoint something that emerges from my mind; how should I spend my reading time, moderately or extremely? Should I read like 2000 pages a day or an article per day? How about relevant facts, should I be reading intensely like as if I’m going to sit for an exam on this subject matter or just read everything like I’m reading Archie’s comics?

To regard these textbooks as your primary motivation to strive knowledge that many lack may have benefited you in the long run. After all, with these relevant knowledge at the back of your head in your early years, there is higher chance that you may stumble upon these issues and challenges again in the near future if you were to work under the Government. So should you do the reading moderately?

Personally I would agree to that question because I want to remain stress-free on these matters instead of taking it seriously. Picture this scenario. If you were to have a social gathering with your peers in the Mall, you wouldn’t want to discuss issues regarding territorial border disputes or the issues on Spartly Island where CHINA claims that island is under their control and not Phillipines? You would perhaps talk about something interesting like football or basketball or gossips more intently. Am I right?

Oh yeah, I’m terribly sorry if I am no near in answering the question in the title above. I have my own way on answering the question, which is “waffling” so much on something completely irrelevant. OK, with that in mind, et’s proceed to another scenario; exercise.

Exercising is an act of releasing your bodily liquid by sweating all the harmful toxic out your skins. This is healthy if you wish to be fit and saying no to fat. Not only being fat is the main motivation for people to go exercising every afternoon, the risk of diabetes, heart disease, lung disease and strokes prompt many Bruneians to look themselves naked in the mirror and say, ” barigali jua usulku ani aeh! ( I look disgusting)”

So, what is your method of exercising? Moderate or intense extreme killer workout? Again in my personal view, I would rather choose moderate because it is simple and encourages me to do it daily. If one to exercise super crazily in the gym for 2 hours straight by weight lifting, rowing, jogging, jumping and etc continuously, the energy to do that again tomorrow would deplete enormously. You will lose the interest to go to gym on the next day. You will see it as a burden provider. It would not only sucks out your money every month but also sucking up all your hopes and dreams to achieve six-packs quicker.

My answer is just exercise moderately like cycling or jogging for 10 to 15 minutes everyday. If you’re weak physically, walking for 10 minutes around the house is healthy too. As long as you walk out your house, away from your iPod or Laptop and  just let the natural air and sunshine be your 15 minutes friend.  They are in fact your best friend because by doing this moderate exercise EVERYDAY, you’re bound to meet them again and again until to a point where you are too close that you have no physical realization on it’s existence.

As a man myself, I am a moderate person. I choose to be moderate because it brings fun habit of continuous journey in the hope of developing my inner and outer potential to the maximum level. I believe that being cohesively clinging to your habit and regard it as your play time will eventually assist you in developing a healthy dosage of goodness where many may regard it as burdensome and tedious waste of energy.

If you could change how schools work….

If you could change how schools work, what would you change? What is wrong with how public education for kids is structured? What works well? What specific things about school do you remember, good and bad?  


Schools; the temporary mental training hubs and the heaven’s place in a form of hell’s curriculum and torturing classrooms. This is the truth from the perspective of many young Bruneians. “Schools are boring”. “Schools make me sick because I hate to wake up early every morning just to hear my lazy and insincere teachers nagging about his or her life as for wasting his or her times teaching us and this gives me the  natural ninja technique of applying the stealth mode of deceived, by pretending to listen and look at my teachers’ whiteboards but at the same time, letting my thoughts flow in the joyful fantasy of everyday life of video games, movies, comics………”

Well maybe I’m going too far. Maybe not all children in Brunei love to play video games, but most of them do. I remember I was one of them when I was at primary school and even during my secondary years. I had ‘O’ Level examinations at the corner of the month, but I didn’t concentrate much on the syllabus but playing Mortal Combat or Metal Gear Solid every evening. That was my school years. I’m not so sure about you. But if you are born in the late 1980s, you must be smiling right now. Of course your sex gender has to be male if you want to understand my situation at that time. I have no idea if girls who was born in the late 80s love to play Metal Gear Solid by the time they reach 9 years old.

On the face of it, it is blatantly obvious that I disliked schools in the past. Let me repeat it again, IT WAS BORING. But you must concentrate on my usage of “Was” which is the cousin past tense of “is”.

Because ever since I graduated from Law School, I soon have grown to realize the importance of education for my future well-being. Like a hammer hitting my head, I  now see this hidden treasure which lies in front of me where I’m the only one who can feel its presence. The treasure of luxurious and beautiful literacy of art and knowledge, the colorful rainbow of various skills of time management, formal writing and public speaking skills shines all across my dull face ,and the rich sound of rattling gold coins under my hands which will enrich me with stable jobs and employment opportunity in the future. In short, I’ve grown to appreciate life more respectably once my vision opens this curtain of colorless yet rich gold resources of Bachelor Degrees and qualifications. Because when I have these sufficient knowledge and appropriate relevant skills under my possessions, I can generate my own ideas through the skills I have gained.

So why is it only now when I reach my early 20s, I just realize this great potency in me? Why am I slow to capture this marvelous opportunity? Why am I among the many who never get to understand the importance of education at the early age?

The answer is simple: it’s because how the school works. The schools’ curriculum and the systematic teaching methods adopted lack the motivational factors and inspiration to hone the pupils and students to realize the wonderful world of educated society. If I were to be given the opportunity to share my ideas on this matter, I would say that the best solution is to cater the needs of the young minds by providing modern teaching techniques which really pull out that myth of ‘school is boring’ and shower them with glitters of fun and stress-free environment at school.

Children between the age of 4 and 11 are prone to any outer influences like media and entertainment such as comics, movies, cartoon and video games. Increasingly, the wide spread disease of cyber network like YouTube, Google, MSN, Twitter as well as Facebook has been used by these young children. They know how to operate e-mails. They know how to register and sign-up their own accounts. They know how to buy things on Amazon via their parents’ credit cards. They know how to really utilize these sophisticated things in their early years! Modern generations are very skillful but very unfortunate. They are vulnerable to internet predators and  the exposure of explicit sites are within their little finger tips. Although the risk of exposing these unlimited explicit sites to their young children caught the attention of many Bruneian adults, large number of them are not aware about their children’s equate ability in operating the internet. In turn, we must never undermined our children’s internet savviness nowadays. In effect, if young children can be easily influence by cyber internet wankers, why is it difficult for the Ministry of Education to see this as an opportunity? Is it not obvious that children love video games and love the happy, colorful lights shone by the computer screens? Is it not obvious that children nowadays love the ambiance sound made by Windows whenever PCs are switched on? (or Apple iMac for that matter)

Why is it difficult for the Ministry of Education to develop policies which in turn enhanced educational code of practice in prompting the students to have the natural habit of reading and writing? Do they intentionally neglect the opportunity provided by the surrounding modern technologies? Here’s an idea. Why don’t we have the policy in teaching these young children between the age of 11 to 16 on how to use e-paper and write their own blogs via wordpress or blogspot? Is it because of time consuming? Why is that? No financial budget to finance this idea? By encouraging young children to write blogs, they are motivated to notice their spelling mistakes or grammatical error quicker by the assistance of the computer proofreading tools. This will decrease high cost of wasting teachers’ time in marking the same mistakes over and over again as well as improving productivity in future workforce because when these children are mature, they will be eager to improve themselves by writing good essays regarding the nation’s position in the global market and also providing constructive criticisms on their current Government system, thus teaching them on how to write and think modernly.

Although this will encourage activists and radical thinkers to come out from their hide out under the soul of these young children, this is something that many Bruneian are lacking; low self-esteem and afraid to convey their own opinions. As a result, locals conform to the Government’s system of control subconsciously. (Full stop)

Modern era gives birth to better technologies and more efficiency on how to live our  life differently. Therefore if the Government wishes to follow the flow of this river of modernization, the Government has to abandon their traditional ways of “read this, memorize this and finish this by tomorrow” and set course for adventurous avenue of “freedom of thoughts, breeder of creativity and rare outcomes”. Each pupils has their own capabilities. Once they become students of life, they will soon swim with the current waves of uncertainties and instability in the wide sea of challenges and issues. They can hold their breath under the water for the battle of better knowledge and qualifications, so that when they finally emerge out, they can actually see that one island which they call objectives, aims and missions. This island will motivate them to just swim and swim, despite the fact that their island is just a mirage, making them to blindly confront blurry objectives yet meaningful challenges in life and just swim endlessly despite the limitless uncertainties in the future to come.

A dream I’ve had more than once

I was standing at this dark place. The ground was muddy and I could feel the dirty slimy mud grabbing both my feet. My feet had this warm but disturbingly gluey feelings creeping all over up to my knees. But most of the time, I just stood there motionless because the place was too dark for me to see around. The  surrounding environment was wet and humid, the same feelings I often had whenever I played a one-on-one basketball match with my brothers. I love the feelings of warm sweats pouring down my forehead to my chin but I also hate it whenever mosquitoes started to suck my blood out, especially around the thigh area. I had no idea why in the world mosquitoes love to bite there. I guess my thigh was like the drumsticks that customers normally pick at McDonald.

As bizarre as it went, the place I set my foot on was very familiar to my home place. The ground, the scent, the environment, the feelings. But it was too dark. Let me stress that out a bit more. It was filled with complete darkness and empty blackness. Not only that, there was no sound. No traffic cars honing, no neighbors shouting to their own partners everyday at 5 in the afternoon after work hours, no basketball bouncing at the front yard, no musics, no Indian selling garments, no joggers repeating his 30th round in front of my gate, no nothing. I mean nothing. There was zero sound; anti-noise.

British tourists would dream on having this kind of place since this place I had in my dream was too great to be true. I mean, who wouldn’t like to relax at a place where both your legs plunged knee deep  into a muddy ground and the surrounding area was completely soundless. Your ears felt appreciated because you were kind to those pairs of eavesdropping organs.

Whenever I stood in that middle of nowhere, I was shrouded with this confusing thoughts running and bouncing in my head by repeating this  same question again and again, “where exactly am I?…where exactly am I?…where exactly am I? WHERE EXACTLY AM I?”….The voice inside my head got louder and louder every second. I was afraid that my brain couldn’t handle it and I might die in my own sleep.

YES! Most of the time, I realized that I was actually in a dream. I knew it because I had this kind of dream almost every week.

I think, maybe in some supernatural context, I am actually talking to my own unconscious mind whenever I’m dreaming this place. Maybe this dream shows me in an indirect fashion that I shouldn’t be alone by myself in my room throughout the sunny day in Brunei. I should have spent my time, bonding with my siblings in the afternoon after school and listening to my parents in the evening when they are resting their heads, burying their faces under newspapers and computer screens. I should have talked to my parents and asked how their days went. Also, I should have interacted with my friends to improve my social skills and to really have a good time with them instead of having to ask about their life via Facebook inbox. But most of the time, I don’t have the time to really make an appointment with them, asking them to hang out with me. I know I’m a loner as I love to be alone. I realize that and I know my own weaknesses. Yet I keep on doing it over and over again.

So the only way to erase this dream I’ve had more than once once and fore all is to mingle with people who cares for me and love me. But on a second thought, what if I never had this kind of dream again in the future if I start on applying good social life with the society. What if once I started doing that, I would be dreaming on something creepier than I used to, like killing my friends in my dream? What if I never get to feel that warm muddy feelings around my feet again? What  if I would never had that complete solidarity and quietness in my mind ever again?

What if that dream I had more than once is the only place where I can speak freely with my own self….happily.

Wassup Bro….

It’s not like everyday you get to cry on your brother’s bed with such sad feelings all over you. It’s not like everyday you get to redden your eyeballs just because you are laying on your brother’s bed and sobbing for half an hour when you think about that wonderful and fun times you had with your brother. It’s not like everyday when an elder brother feels so lonely on the thoughts of not seeing his brother again for the next 3 months (“puff, pikir apa….3 bulan ganya”, Bruneian would say”)

That’s right. I’m a pussy, I said it. But never mind. This is me talking sincerely in a form of a very impractical way to pour out emotions; via the internet. I don’t care if people would think lightly on what I’ve said because I care for my brother. I think that’s a very good reason why I feel this brotherly sadness in me right now. I don’t want to be sad. But I feel sad….Splendidly confusing, isn’t it? Ignore it.

I just got up from watching Scrubs season 2. I smiled and laughed at the show’s genius portrayal of a young doctor. I love that show. Everyone on this earth does. Who doesn’t. So after watching one of the episode for 15 minutes, I paused it and went for my laptop and thus proceed with this writing I am currently on doing. Well? Look at me! I’m actually writing these words without any plans or sophisticated information which I should have searched on the internet before I write which I usually have done prior to writing in most of my blogs. But this time, it’s exceptional. It’s not like there’s anyone out there who have the time to really spend their ‘tick-tock life clock’ on reading my crappy blogs. I am not that good of a writer you know. Anyway, I guess I am blabbling about this TV drama shit so called Scrubs for more than 5 sentences already.

As I was saying, I walked up to my desk and wrote this blog. But before that, I went to my brother’s room. The room was lighted and there was no noisy sound of an air-conditioner gushing. No music at the desk, no PC games of Lord of the Rings or modern laser beams of Dawn of War, no occasional whispering soft voice to his laptop when he’s on Skype, no movies, no YouTube RayWillaimJohnson talking random gags on injured people in the real world, no squeaking sound made by his damn rotated wheel chair….. There was none. Most obviously, my brother was not at his desk. It was all empty as if I just entered a mosque at 11 PM. Then, I looked down at my brother’s bed and surprisingly, my body reacted emotionally without my order. Unconsciously, I laid on my brother’s bed and started to think about my brother. While laying, I stared up the ceiling with both my knees paralleled to my body. Then my father entered the room and asked me what was I doing. I didn’t answer him and he understandably walked out. Out of nowhere, tears started to build up and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I have no idea what has happened. I think it’s something to do with physics or biology on how the body works in certain situation. Truth to be told, I have no slight idea what the heck happened.

The only thing I know at that particular moment is the fact that, I miss my brother so dearly. “Wassupppp” words I usually said every time I entered his room, now become a strange act of greetings as I’m wassupping to a nobody.