Freedom is inherently something that when you do, you don’t straight away feel embarrassed or humiliated after you’ve done it. Freedom is a word where happiness and joyous intuitions collided and gave birth to a family of ultimate giggling high school girls. Freedom is somewhat the cousins of hatred and envy, but they do not go well with each other. They genuinely would love to have this imagination playing in their competitive minds whereby they killed, dismembered and tortured their relatives. Freedom co-exists with the flowing river of free speech, connecting with the wide sea of non-restriction. Freedom is ultimately a great acoustic guitar played by a professional guitarist in which every stroke of the strings creates this wonderful melody that soothes everyone’s ears. Freedom is really a gigantic heaven, floating in the sky but we cannot really reach it since we are not designed to fly. (burung baru tah)
I wish I can live in a world where there’s no prohibition. I’m not implying the notion of breaking the laws or judicial system. My definition of requesting freedom is rather benign since I’m not the type of person who favours violent and worthless vengeance. I’m a normal abiding citizen in Brunei, sitting my ass on a fairly, soft armed-chair at 3 in the afternoon, staring at the screen and letting my fingers befriending my mind to let go of the day’s stress by writing. I love to write since it builds my English vocabulary and develops my understanding of creating well-structured grammatical error free sentences. I believe that the more I write something which is entirely irrelevant to someone’s life, the more I get to improve myself. By that, enhancing my communication with my inner self since I realize that through writing, I can indicate my weaknesses that lie within the very dark empty soul in my lonely heart.
However, as long winded as it may sound, I am not ultimately free to write anything that emerges in my mind. Mostly those words that I wrote down half an hour ago, would be long gone in the inter-web desert due to delete buttons that I constantly pushed. Why do I feel that I constantly being guarded behind my back? Why do I have this feeling that someone brushes my shoulder every time I want to write blogs or videos on YouTube? Why does my close friend always have this embarrassing intuition towards me whenever I attempted to edit wacky, jokingly buffoon videos on YouTube? I have this message from one of my friend, saying that my accent hurts her ears whenever I speak English? What the hell? I have been talking to many English, native speakers and they can actually and clearly understand what the hell I’m trying to express most of the time!
So in another word, although I have this freedom in writing my own blogs or filming my own videos, the sear pressure from unreliable friends, the demoralizing feedback spoken through their nasty mouth, the negative comments on my works, and the silent, long-awaited remarks but discouraging criticisms, have never failed to break my spirits on doing what I love. Often I just tripped on my marble dusty floors in my room, slipped and hit my face against the sink in my toilet and fell consciously on my hard bed which I should have complained to my parents long time ago as I usually suffered back pain every time I wake up in the morning.
The point being, there’s always someone out there, regardless that person is closer to you or loves you so dearly, who always have this giant nerve, trying to break your spirit in doing what you love. But nothing in life worth having comes easy. You need to challenge yourself in the ultimate quest of endless backstabbing, grudging and envious society we live in.